A fun moment

I'm working on editing the 2nd book in my 2 book series and this little tidbit popped out from the dark corners of my brain.  I love this moment!

“Nice shooting!”  Asha complimented.  “I’ll get it.” She ran past him grabbing the dead bird. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a movement, only a fleeting shadow.  At first she didn't think anything of it but as she walked back toward him she saw what she thought was hair.  She stopped, frozen in her tracks watching and listening to the surrounding trees. At first there was no sound, he looked at her his eyebrows knitting together in a question.  

From behind the trunk of a tree there came a hulking figure.  The hair on the figure was brown and caked with mud.  The long maw was filled with sharp teeth and a lolling tongue; it looked at her with a harsh glimmer in its eye then sprung. 

Let's talk about this parenting thing...

  Maybe its because I'm a very analytical person, maybe its because I'm a type A personality, maybe its because I'm a perfectionist, or maybe its because I became a first time mommy much later in life but I've been bothered a lot lately by the incessant amount of postings and research happening on the topic of parenting. There is so much out there saying that I need to be a "super mommy".  Everywhere I turn there is this social idea that mommy should always have her stuff together, that we should be able to do anything and everything and still maintain our sanity.  I only have one question, WHY??? Based on my experiences at stores, via social media, commentary from others, etc...  here is a list of compiled "flaws" that I have in my own parenting spectrum:

1.- "Always love everything about your child every moment of the day."  Now don't get me wrong I adore my little girl.  She is my entire life, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her but there are things I don't love.  The tantrum in the grocery store? Don't love it.  The bowl of soup dumped on the floor?  Don't love it. The screaming fit in the the middle of the prayer during church?  Don't love it.  Do you see my point here?  I can't love everything she does because quite frankly there are things she does that annoy me but I will always love her as my child.  I don't have to accept everything she does (and I shouldn't).

2.-  "If you don't do.....  You're a terrible mommy."  There was a recent mommy article floating around Facebook that every time I saw it made me feel horribly guilty.  I won't go into details about it but it was just one of many articles I have seen lately that says if you don't do X that makes you a horrible parent and your child will grow up to be a terrible person.  Give me a break.  All we are doing is adding more to our already overflowing plates, every parent is going to have good days and bad days.  Some days we'll be the best parent in the world and others we will go to bed a screaming crying heap because that's life.  Lay off the guilt trips already?

3.-  "Top 10 mommy lists" you know the ones, all GREAT mommies do this, then this, then that.  You glance over the list and feel like a complete and utter failure because in the past year you've done all of those things at least once.  Hmmmmm....  Crown me with a plunger and call me craptastic mommy of the year.

4.- "Technology damages your child." Now I agree and disagree with this.  I agree that too much technology is a bad thing.  We should not be plopping our children in front of the tv for hours at a time, letting them play with the ipad/tablet forever, or give them the cellphone as a babysitter.  Now that being said I disagree because our children are the technology generation, disconnecting them completely is going to be putting them at a disadvantage.  As far as really young children, like my own, I don't see the harm in letting her watch a couple cartoons a day so that mommy can cook dinner, do laundry, talk on the phone, or *gasp* have a moment to herself.  Same for tablet, ipad, cellphone use.  I have no problem giving my screaming child the cellphone in the store just so I can checkout without a complete emotional break down.  According to some I am rotting her brain but isn't that my choice? And confession time, she watched a lot of Curious George today so I could get ahead on my Nano writing! 

5.- Everything should be "magical" for your child.  I've been looking at holiday traditions, as it is sneaking up on me far too quickly.  Why should I be guilted into thinking that because I don't throw a themed birthday party (let's get real she won't care!), have a sparkling magical Christmas countdown, or that ugly little elf on the shelf (hate that little bastard with the hatred of a thousand pms-ing teenage girls but that could be a post in and of itself. But I respect those who do it.) Isn't being a child about creating your own magic and finding the magic in the the simple things?  Isn't my job as the parent doing the best that I can with what I have, including time and energy?

6.- The best mommies give all their time to their children.  At what point did mommy become all consuming?  I am mommy all day every day.  It's a strenuous, hard, exhausting, and rewarding job and I wouldn't change it for the world but I think at some point I am allowed to sit on the couch and just veg in front of the tv.  I think there are even days where mommy should be allowed to say, "you know what let's put on Curious George so I can regain my sanity."  is that really such a crime?  It's about balance and I personally feel that as long as it isn't a daily occurrence there is no harm in it.

Mommies of the world unite, let's stop with the judgments, let's stop with the quipped comments meant to help but only harm, let's build each other up instead of working to tear each other down.  Every single one of us is different as a person so why shouldn't our parenting style be different too?  Do we want our children all growing up to be the same person/personality?  No, so why are we trying to put them and our own parenting skills into a tiny minded box of self guilt?  You be the parent you need to be, I'll be the parent I need to be and hopefully some day we can laugh at our own misgivings  but until then let us focus on the major task at hand, surviving parenthood.

Nano Nano Nano

I swore this year I wouldn't do Nano.  I went over every reason in my brain about why I shouldn't do it (work, toddler, toddler's birthday, Thanksgiving, lesson planning, grading) and on Oct. 31 I vowed that I wouldn't take part in the Nano madness this year.  Well the morning of Nov. 1 dawned and the image of all my Nano friends sitting at their computers with a hot beverage by their side and happily typing away weaseled its way into my brain.  I started to feel sad, lonely, and started missing my stories.  For several months I've put writing on the back burner so I could actively pursue querying with my current manuscript.  No matter what I told myself though I couldn't stop thinking about the story I started and never finished.  I couldn't stop thinking about where I'd left my character and imagined her sitting in a dark room screaming "Get me out of here!"  Technically to finish an already started manuscript is to "cheat" according to Nano rules but I'm a rebel and it has always pushed me to the finish line.  So yesterday I put the little miss down for a nap and picked up my laptop, 4458 words later I was feeling quite pleased with myself and logged the word count on my Nano counter.

I remember how hard Nano was last year.  I remember how painful it was to get to the end of 50,000 words in 30 days but the thing that I had forgotten was how much I love the writing.  Somehow in the frenzy of querying and editing I forgot the pure love that I have for just story telling and creating a character that I love (that I will torment in the book).  So despite my nervousness at actually being able to finish the Nano challenge I am going to continue on loving the story and the story telling.  Here's to Nano & writing insanity!

If you are unfamiliar with Nano check out this link:
nanowrimo.org

Halloween- Bah humbug!!

The leaves have fallen, the pumpkins are out, and the candy is purchased yet I still find myself feeling more than a little miffed at this stupid holiday.  As a child I have so many fond memories of trick or treating and dressing up as all kinds of fantastical things (I don't think I ever outgrew the costume phase of life).  Now as an adult though my opinion of the holiday has changed immensely.

About 8 years ago the hubby and I moved to a larger city and into a typical cookie cutter suburban neighborhood.  Having lived in a country home and only receiving 3 trick or treaters the year before I did not know what to expect our first year in this new area.  It wasn't horribly bad as the neighborhood was still being developed but as the years went on each Halloween got worse and worse.  Our 4th year here I bought a bag of 160 pieces of candy and ran out in 2 hours. Two years ago I bought the same amount and it was gone in about an hour and 15 minutes.  Now passing out candy isn't what irritates me, I love seeing the kids all dressed up and have no problems sharing with children however I can not get over the fact that so many teenagers and ADULTS were trick or treating!  I would bet at least half of the candy I had went to people over the age of 15.  One trick or treater in particular was a full grown woman, probably close to my age, no costume or anything just walking around house to house with a grocery bag.  Please note she also did not have a child with her.  My thought process was "you have got to be kidding me!!!!"  I suppose it's a poor social commentary on our society when people who are very capable of buying their own bag of candy choose instead to mooch off of others, entitled much?  This hasn't been an isolated occurrence either, each year I have at least one, if not more, of these fine specimens come to my door.  What in a person's mind makes them believe that this is okay?  Dressing up, I get that it's fun and entertaining but running around begging for free candy at someones door?  Unacceptable.  Put on your big kid underwear and realize that there is a limitation to this behavior and you crossed that line about 20+ years ago.

Now I know  a lot of you are saying "but you have a child and want people to pass out candy to her".  You're right, I have a daughter and yes she has a costume but she'll trick or treat at grandma's & an aunts house and that'll be it! At this age she'll never know the difference. As she gets older though I will teach her that the holiday is about fun not getting as much free stuff as we can or seeing how full you can fill a pillowcase with candy.  We need to learn to enjoy Halloween for what it is and learn that when you're too old you need to stop.  I will not allow my daughter to be trick or treating when she is 13+ years old, there is a limit.

This year I'm taking a stand, no more candy.  I mean it!  I am not spending money on candy just to pass it out to a bunch of adults who don't get that this is a child's holiday or if you choose to celebrate go to an adult party.  I will pass out candy to CHILDREN who I know and aren't just out to glutton themselves on free candy!!!  Call me the Scrooge of Halloween but I'm over it. Bah-humbug!

Those beautiful eyes.

"Mommy, why are her eyes so crossed?"  I cringed when I heard it.  

We had decided to take a little expedition that day to visit a fish hatchery viewing station and have a picnic. Our intention was just to have a little family time but what was going to be an easy going fun day made me feel anxious when the little girl next to us started looking at my daughter.  The little girl was probably not much older than 5 years old so the questions were innocent enough but after about the 4th time that she pointed out to her mom, and everyone around us, that my daughter looked cross eyed I was ready to bolt. I grabbed my child and got out of there as fast as possible. 

At the time I couldn't figure out why this incident bothered me so much.  I just kept thinking "this shouldn't bother me this much, should it?"  You see my husband and I have known for a long time that something about our daughter's eyes has been "off".  She had seen a pediatric ophthalmologist several times prior to this incident and been diagnosed with esotropia, a condition where the inside muscles of her eyes are stronger than the outside making her eyes turn in at varying times and making her appear cross eyed, or like she has a lazy eye. We had been told surgery was the only way to fix it and fully intend on having the procedure done. This issue was known, the appearance of our daughter's cross eye(s) is something we knew, so why would the comments of a little girl bother me so much? It finally dawned on me weeks later. 

We live in a society that is unforgiving of appearance.  If a person is too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, has crooked teeth, crossed eyes, acne, big nose, big ears, etc (the list could go on and on!) they are shunned or humiliated.  Why is that okay?  Why do people, myself included, tend to alienate those people? I realized that deep in my heart I am terrified not just of my daughter having vision problems because of this disorder but of the humiliation she would endure because she looks a little different. As much as I wish that weren't true I know that if it isn't fixed she will endure teasing at the hands of others who just don't understand.

This thought has weighed on my mind since then but I had a defining moment today that made me realize an eternal truth. As I sat in quiet meditation in one of my church meetings it dawned on me that I will never love my daughter less because of her eyes. I will never think of her as being less of a person because of a flaw that isn't her fault. When people look on her outward appearance and wonder "what is wrong with her?" they are making an unfair assumption.  If someone really knew my daughter they'd see her spunky, funny, spirited, and loving nature not a pair of crossed eyes. Though my daughter's eyes are crossed at times those eyes will always be beautiful to me because I know who is really behind them. Judging someone by their outside appearance is not only unfair but just plain wrong. We all come with flaws, and judging others because of their obvious flaws doesn't make us better. There are many people who may not be what our society deems physically attractive but are amazing on the inside. We have so much more to offer than just a pretty face or nice body. 

Ultimately what I took away from this all is that we have a Heavenly Father who feels the same way about us as I do about my daughter. No matter what he will never love us less because of our flaws.  To look upon another person and dismiss or embarrass them because something appears "off" about them makes us shallow.  I am making a vow today to change the way I see people, to no longer judge by their outward appearance but to look at their heart. 

What are you so afraid of?

My daughter went through a phase where we'd watch Disney's "Frozen" several times a day. (thank heavens that phase has mostly passed!)  One of the lines in that movie that always got stuck in my head was when Anna asked her sister "What are you so afraid of?"  I've been contemplating this line the last few days as it became glaringly apparent to me that it's something I need to consider.

 Here's the problem, I am only 4 chapters away from the end of my book.  I have rough drafted, plot charted, character analyzed, first edited, and now I'm only 4 chapters away from my second edit being finished.  I promised myself that once I finished my second edit the time would come to start querying, that was three weeks ago.  Those four chapters are still un-second-edited.  Why?  I came to the realization when I was talking with a friend that the reason those chapters are sitting unedited is because I'm afraid.  I am A.F.R.A.I.D. but why?  Like Anna said "What are you so afraid of?"

I guess what it boils down to is I'm still holding onto the lingering insecurities of youth, what if no one likes it?  What if its not good enough, thereby I'm not good enough?  I'm afraid that this brain child that I have so lovingly held onto for so long will be completely dismantled.  Can I stand to see that happen?  Can I let 4+ years of work go into the big bad world and be beaten up?  Can I handle the rejection since I will inevitably be rejected several times?  ARGH!!!!  Why can't this just be easy?

So here I sit contemplating my own insecurities.  How do I overcome it?  Man I need to work on those four chapters...

Pet Project Part 2

There is more that happens before this but here is part 2 of what I'm willing to share:

The first day of school dawned way too soon and I made sure to wake up bright and early in order to look the best I could.  I had my cutest outfit set out the night before, my new makeup sitting on my dresser, and my curling iron hot and ready to curl my mop. I brushed my teeth then  jumped in the shower and ran through the usual routine.  When I got to the body wash part instead of coming out in a smooth coil like always, nothing hit my loofa. 

“What in the world?”  I put the bottle up to my eye and tried to peek into the small hole in the top.  I couldn’t see anything so I put a little pressure on the sides of the container, still nothing.  I squeezed it a little harder but still nothing.  I shook it hoping the contents would shift to the bottom I looked into the hole again this time the contents spilled out all over my hair, my face, and my neck.  I spit trying to get it off of my mouth.  I scrubbed furiously at my hair hoping to get the goop out but only managed to be remotely successful. 

There was a loud banging on the door, “Allison!  Allison!  Stop primping some of us need to get in there.”

“I’m almost done.”  I yelled.

“Not almost, you are done!  Get out now!”  I recognized it as Luke’s voice.

Grrrr….  Boys just don’t get it.  I took one last swoop at my hair hoping to get the last of the body wash out.  I wrapped my hair in a towel and threw on my bathrobe, I threw the door open angrily glaring at my brother on the other side.  “Some people need to learn patience.” I growled.

“Some people need to learn that no matter how much they shower they’ll still never get rid of that stench!” he stuck his tongue out at me.  “Besides, I’m the senior this year, I think I am the one who needs to look the best today.”  And with that he shut the door behind him. 

I huffed off to my room sitting at my makeshift makeup table and started the morning paint job; lotion, foundation, powder, blush, primer, eyeshadow, liner, mascara, and the most important step last lipgloss!!  I puckered up admiring the gorgeous shade of pink that I had managed to snag the previous day at the mall, it had been the last one on the shelf so I felt it had been a sign of my luck.  That feeling didn’t last long though when I pulled the towel off my head. 

“Oh my gosh!!!”  my hair sat in oily wisps on my shoulders, I ran my fingers through it hoping that maybe, just maybe, it was an optical illusion.  It wasn’t.  Putting my fingers in it only made it abundantly clear that the body wash had made my fresh clean hair an oily mess.  I grabbed the blow dryer and ran it over my head for a solid ten minutes all the while praying that it would only look a little greasy but to no avail.  The hair was bone dry and I looked like I had stuck my head into a fry vat at the local fast food joint. “You have got to be kidding me!” I looked up to the fates, “come on this is supposed to be my year!  Can I catch a break for just one day?”

Just as I was expressing my fury to the higher powers Luke walked by my open door wrapped in his own bathrobe. “Whoa!  What do you call that look, grease ball?” he laughed walking away. 

I cursed under my breath.   This couldn’t be happening again, I should have never tempted the fates this way.  I grabbed the curling iron wrapping a strand of hair around it but when I pulled it out nothing happened, the hair just fell limp and soggy at my shoulders, I cursed under my breath as I wrapped the iron around my hair again.  Surely if I kept the iron in there longer it would curl, I held it in twice as long as I normally would then started to smell something, a burning smell.  “Oh no!” I pulled the iron from my hair but it was too late, the ends of the hair were completely fried.  “Gawwwww!!!” I yowled.

“What’s the matter?” my mother rushed to the door poking her head in, “where’s the fire?” (a standard catch phrase for a mother with nine children.)

“My hair, the fire’s in my hair!” I held the strand out for her to see.  She walked over and held the burned hair in her hand. 

“Only one thing to do” she reached into my makeup table drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors.

“No! No!  There has to be another way.”  I tried to back away from her.

“There isn’t.” and with that she snipped the end off leaving me with a butchered look. 

“My life is ruined.” I exhaled.

The Pet Project

I've been furiously doing a first edit on my fantasy novel and tonight I realized that I needed a little break from death and gloom (yes there is quite a bit of that in this particular novel) so I went back to a pet project that I had started many years ago.  It's a semi-autobiographical novel from the perspective of a 16 year old.  Here's just a snippet:

That day should have been the first indicator that the rest of my life would be miserable but my parents didn’t give me any kind of warning about it so I stumbled on through life just thinking that bad fortune was bound to be my curse! 

                In the first grade I remember that curse really kicking into high gear.  Our school was holding a square dancing tournament (yeah that’s the type of town I lived in!) and they were pairing all the kids off with partners.  I sat in that classroom and anxiously waited to find out who my partner would be, I had said my prayers the night before and asked a higher being, any higher being, to please, please, please let me be paired with Jake Jones.  You see Jake Jones was the cutest, most amazing, tall dark and handsome first grader there ever was.  I had tried to get Jake’s attention many times before, one time I wore a dinosaur shirt to school just because I knew he liked dinosaurs, but none of my feeble attempts had worked to secure his heart so here was my chance!  I just needed the fates to give me this one wish and I knew that Jake would be mine!  Well Mrs. Baunt called my name and I stepped forward ready to hold the hand of my one true love, but instead of calling Jake’s name she called Cody Partridge.  Ewwww!!  I knew somewhere, somehow the fates were laughing at me because now I was paired with Cocoa Bird (as I liked to call him).  Needless to say we didn’t win the competition and I was forever scarred from that experience.

                Second grade and third grade proved to be just as challenging but when I hit fourth grade the darkness descended and it got worse!  I was stuck in a class with Cody Partridge (again!! Can you believe it?) and the teacher made me sit in front of Cody in class which was horrible in itself but it got much, much worse.  One day after lunch we were sitting in class doing our silent reading time, I had just picked up the newest “Mystery Sisters” book from the library and was voraciously reading the pages.  The class was dead silent when it happened…  Out of nowhere this giant bottom explosion happened!  I should have expected it to happen because lunch that day had been chili but I hadn’t expected it to come from me!!!  Oh my gosh!  How mortifying is that?  I tried to play it off looking around at the other kids pretending to sniff out (metaphorically not physically) the culprit but then Cocoa Bird had to speak up.  “I think Allison did that!!!”  It was all over at that point, my face got beet red and everyone knew the big bang had happened in my chair. 

                Fast forward a bit to eight grade, bad things had happened all the other years of school but they all seemed to be on equal footing with the infamous “fourth grade rumbly bumbly incident”.  As a”top dog” at the junior high I knew that this would be my year, I knew I would finally get the man of my dreams, Kree McCallum (Jake Jones was so out of the picture by then!).  Kree was gorgeous, he was tall, he was dark, he was handsome (I know, I know it sounds like Jake but it is a completely different kind of tall dark and handsome!)  We had our Valentine’s Day dance that year and I finally had convinced my mom to let me go.  I picked my cutest outfit, did my hair up, borrowed some of mom’s perfume, and pranced my way into that gymnasium.  There on the other side of the room was Kree.  The first girl’s choice dance I got him on the floor with me, we twirled and waltzed holding each other in an embrace of romance. After the dance was over we went and sat on the bleachers, he offered to get me some punch then walked away.  I was so caught up in our romance I didn’t notice that a sneeze was creeping up on me.  Kree came back with our punch and handed me my glass.  I took a tiny sip and then it happened!!  I sneezed. I sneezed punch all over Kree McCallum’s face but it doesn’t end there, all the contents of my nose emptied out of my nostrils and onto my lip, my punch, my dress, and even my shoes.  Our little romance was quickly killed by “the great booger blowout of eighth grade”.

                This year is my tenth grade year and as you can see I am more than a little nervous about it.  I think the fates know that my time in high school is running short so they’re going to be working overtime to ensure that my life is filled with even more embarrassment before I walk out of these hallowed halls.  Oh boy I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

An Open Letter to the Fashion Industry

Dear Fashion Industry/Designers:

I have a bone to pick with you and I know I don't feel alone on this issue.

It is once again summer time the time for cooler clothing and bathing suits.  In my younger years this meant sporting shorts, cute t-shirts, and fun one piece bathing suits to summer outings and family reunions; it was a time of fewer cares and a much younger (i.e. slimmer) body.  Now I am in my 30's and summer shopping has become a complete nightmare and honestly I blame you!!  I no longer possess the sleek slim body of youth, instead I have a body that has delivered a baby, been through various life changes, and gained a few pounds over the past decade.  It's an adjustment but I can live with the body that I have, what I can't live with however is how you, the fashion industry, hasn't changed.  You refuse to design anything for the modern 30 something woman who doesn't wish to appear as a teen, reveal too much, or look like a grandma.

My own personal goal in dressing is to achieve comfort and modesty all while remaining fashionable.  Each summer I set out looking for something to wear that will keep me comfortable in 100 degree weather and each year I come away disgusted.  You have it in your deluded brains that every woman wishes to wear shorts that almost expose butt cheeks and tops that cover next to nothing.  If I find shorts that are long enough they look like something pulled from the closet of a 70 year old woman and give me the dreaded "mom butt" look and shirts with sleeves are either sheer (creating the need for a shirt underneath defeating the purpose of staying cool) or are once again frumpy looking. Summer clothing options seem to fall into either one of two categories "let me show you my lady parts" or "Little House on the Prairie meets capris". Can we please stop this madness?

Understand that  my desire is to appear fashionable but not show everyone the cellulite on my thighs, the extra baby weight that still lingers around my middle, or the size and brand of my underwear. Please realize that not all of your consumers want to dress in a way that exposes us.  Believe it or not there is a large number of us that would like to dress modestly, fashionably, and stay cool without exposing all of our assets.  We want to keep our bodies to ourselves, we want to appear cute and fashionable without compromising the modesty standards that we uphold, but most of all we want to have to stop pulling our hair out because summer shopping is impossible!

So dear fashion industry/designers create something that a more modest woman can wear in the summer and still feel cute, cool, and comfortable in?

Sincerely,
A fed up consumer

P.S. Swimsuits fall into this category too!!

Hey Phone Face, look up!

Today was the last day of school (hooray!) and as part of our send off the teachers stood in the front foyer ushering children out and eagerly awaiting the moment the last teenager stepped out the door.  As we stood shooing the little fiends out,one of the teachers offhandedly said "Look up at the sun and not at your phone, it's a beautiful day outside!"  While we all laughed at the comment it brought up a thought that I have been having for the past several months;can this generation function without a phone glued to their face?

Our kids are growing up in a world with constant information and communication at their fingertips but they have started putting such urgency and priority on the buzzing curse in their pocket that they have forgotten how to just be human.  Really.  The one tool that they could be using to learn and research with has created kids with a social handicap, kids who are uncomfortable having face-to-face interactions, kids who mentally suffer (and can be verbally abusive) when their precious device is taken away, kids who have no empathy because they can't see the effect their words are having on others, and kids who are unwilling to absorb those things that are important because the glowing face of their phone God beckons.  It is a thoroughly frustrating phenomenon for me to witness.  I can't tell you how many times a kid has been texting, snapchatting, playing a game, etc...  and missed important bits of instruction or experiences.  Everytime I've seen this happen I just want to grab them and shake them screaming "Look away from the damn screen!!  Life is out here and not in there!!!"

 It really makes me concerned that these same people will be joining the workforce in a few short years and they will lack the ability to communicate with co-workers and  lack basic work skills, and ethics, because they couldn't see that the priorities and successes that would help them in life didn't exist in a 4 inch screen but rather in the experiences that they allowed to pass them by.  How do we remedy this problem?  Honestly,I wish I knew.  This a plague that can't be fought with vaccines or antibiotics and it is a wide spread problem. Do you think we can cure the phone face generation?  I personally don't have a positive outlook on this...

The Life of Poo

******Warning, if you couldn't tell from the title I talk about poop!!  If you're squeamish about it don't read it!!!  You've been warned!!!**************************

The day is wound down, the lights are dim, and the sounds of D&D play softly in the background.  As I reflect upon the day, sitting in front of the laptop and procrastinating editing my book (slacker!!), I can't help but reflect upon the changes of my life.  How different things are now than they were a few years ago, while some of the changes are drastic and beautiful others are subtle and sweet.  It's been such an amazing adventure and I wouldn't trade one moment of it.

I have never before felt more privileged than to be a mother.  It has so many mixed emotions and each day brings with it a new set of challenges and learning opportunities.  I have learned so much but perhaps the one thing that I wasn't prepared for was the one thing that should have been most obvious, the most natural and foul thing: poop!!  Oh my the poop!

I find myself overwhelmingly astonished at the amount of feces one small body can hold.  I always know it's coming as she starts to do a "hunker-down-and-grunt" routine, I always wait a few minutes after the routine just to be sure she is truly empty but inevitably 10 minutes after the diaper is changed there is a chaser to be sure the job is done and to give me more to do.

Not only is the changing (and changing and changing) a daily occurrence but I have gotten into the habit of checking to see if she is dirty by putting my nose right next to her bottom.  The scene usually plays out something like this:

Hubby: "Is she dirty?"
Me: Pick up daughter and put nose right next to diapered bottom, *hack & gag* "I immediately regret that decision!!"

However we have had those instances where a bum sniff isn't necessary as a cloud of stink follows her around and lingers on everything & everyone that she passes.  It often leaves me sniffing the air incredulously saying "WHAT IS THAT??"

Though of all the poops I have encountered the "poopsplosion of 2014" that occurred just a couple of hours ago will live in infamy.  Let me just tell you it is an event I will never forget!!

After feeding my beauty a dinner of spaghetti I threw her in the tub, 5 minutes into bath time and floaters appear *sigh*.  I remove her from the tub fishing out the offending turds when I hear husband yell "She just peed all over the floor!!"  my response "get out the carpet cleaner" (which he did). At that point I fill the tub with bleach water and subsequently throw the bath toys that were subjected to nastiness in a sink full of Clorox, keep in mind toddler is running around the house naked while I deal with tub-poo and daddy deals with wet carpet.  Once that chore is done I go to find little one so I can toss her in the shower, when lo and behold she is standing in the window of the sliding glass door (yes, still naked for the world to see) but under her lies another pile of logs.  Not only did she go AGAIN on the floor she proceeded to walk through one of them and smear the carpet with her colorful array.  My reaction?  ARGH!!!!!

Yes the mess got cleaned up, and daddy has become quite a carpet cleaning professional, but I hope to never again have a poop trail on the carpet.   However, despite all those things I am happy to have a healthy and happy toddler and will willingly clean up behind her no matter the circumstances, it is just one of the jobs of being the mommy plus this is great blackmail material for any future suitors!!  (insert evil laughter here)

Burned out!

I have a confession to make, I am burned out.  No really, I'm not just saying that as one of those people who had a bad day and say "I think I'm burned out."  I'm saying if you look at the clinical definition of burned out: "An emotional condition marked by tiredness, loss of interest, or frustration that interferes with job performance. Burnout is usually regarded as the result of prolonged stress." (Mosbys Medical Dictionay) I am BURNED OUT.  

What people fail to realize about me is that I have multiple jobs.  Not jobs in the traditional sense of going to a place of employment and getting paid for ones time spent working there, but rather jobs in the non-traditional sense.  Things that people don't necessarily consider a "job".  When I go to school, my traditional job, I have so many people say "Gee it must be nice only working part time.  I wonder what I would do with that much time off." I really seriously consider punching them in the throat.  

While on the surface it appears that I only work 2-3 days a week at the school then spend the rest of the days at home in leisure and time playing with my toddler their delusion runs deep.  You see while I am only working part time at my traditional job I am holding down 2 additional full time jobs, the job of mommy and of housekeeper.  If you look at that math I'm essentially working 2 1/2 jobs!  Wow!!  While I felt I have held down all of these jobs fairly well, not perfectly by any means, I feel myself slipping in all of them.  

As a teacher I have 100+ research papers sitting on the front seat of my car waiting to be graded, they haven't moved since Friday and probably won't move again until I'm back at school Tuesday, honestly I'm tempted to throw in the movie "Ethan Frome" and just spend the day grading instead of teaching, is there a parallel I could draw between "Ethan Frome" and "Frozen"??

As a mommy I generally try to bring educational activities into our day in order to have a healthy and smart child but lately "Frozen" seems to find its way into our daily routine far too often, what can I say she loves the music and I'm not opposed to it either.  I often feel guilty too because there is a small sense of relief when bedtime finally arrives because it means I'm not chasing a very busy and very active toddler around (today's adventure "Look mommy crayons go in the toilet!!!"  ARGH who left that door open?? Oh it was me.)

As a housekeeper I do okay with maintaining a clean and orderly household, all family members get fed and bills get paid on time but that's beginning to slip too (Eggo waffles for dinner?  Let's add some sugar to that sugar?)  Maybe its just me but I'm beginning to think I own my own aquarium thanks to all the Goldfish Crackers on the floor, I mean how could I vacuum them up?  Their little smiles are so cute!

The worst part of burn out?  Not having any desire to edit my book.  I'm so close to being done!  I can feel the editing ending but the will to persist has evaporated, maybe summer will bring it back?  I certainly hope so...  

I wish I could say I know how to conquer my burnout and once more be on top of my game but I'm afraid it will persist until summer break.  In the meantime if anyone would like to donate some cash and watch my very busy, very active toddler (see above) for a few hours so I can go shopping it would be greatly appreciated!

That's about right!

I found this on Pinterest and felt it was absolutely accurate:


This is just about right.  When I started writing several years ago my dreams and aspirations were high!  I had so much drive and so much inspiration and just knew that the novel would fall beautifully into place.  Now as I'm trudging through the editing process (the HUGE white part in the second graph) I find myself falling into the "Wishing I'd never started the bloody thing" section.  I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't get the story out of my head it'll never be told, plus the characters would probably make me schizophrenic with their constant blathering in there.  I just have to remember even though it may not be the greatest tale in history it still deserves a voice.  So while I laugh at the graphs, and secretly cry at the truth in them, I will continue slogging through the muddy mess of editing!  BLAH!!!!

P.S. Doesn't the tooth fairy have a long lost editing fairy cousin somewhere or did that fairy say "to hell with it" and wind up drunk in an Irish pub?  I see now why some of the best writers were drunks and addicts, if the writing process didn't drive them to it then the editing did!! :)

Are you wearing the right paradigm?

A few years ago when I got my very first teaching job I was asked to teach a Freshman Transitions class.  The idea behind the class was to give high school freshman the skills they needed to survive high school and look at how current choices affect future choices.  One of the very first concepts I taught in the class was the idea of a paradigm.  If you're not familiar with what a paradigm is it is basically the way you see the world.  So the way I'd explain it to the students is that each of us wears a hypothetical pair of glasses.  The lenses of these glasses are shaped by our attitudes, experiences, beliefs, self-image, etc...  The "pair of glasses" we each wear is our own personal paradigm.

Now throughout my life I have met many people and it is interesting to get a small glimpse into each of the paradigms they hold.  In general I don't see a lot of really warped paradigms, in general as a human race most of us see things quite close to reality and can accept things as they are.  However this post is not about these people so please don't think that I am painting with a broad brush, I know that most people do not have such an unusual view of the world and I am not talking to those of us who can see things as they are.

 That being said here is the meat of my message:  I am SICK to death of people with warped paradigms who try to push what they see onto everyone else.  The catalyst of this post comes mostly from the over abundance of webpage shares that seem to breed like jack-rabbits on my Facebook page.  Most recently I've seen several shares of a blogger who claims all should boycott a recent animated movie because it pushes a liberal gay agenda.  I read this article and had to put my computer down before I punched something.  My brain just spun with the thoughts of Why? and Seriously?  Why do people feel the need to read so deeply into things that are so simple?  Why can't we just take things at face value?  Is there really that much hate and fear that someone would stamp something as simple as a child's movie with such a broad and damning accusation?

I kept my mouth shut on the matter but lo and behold within the last week more posts have hopped up on my feed ranging from electronic devices will destroy your children!,  your car seat will KILL your child, don't touch plastic or you'll get breast cancer, using deodorant will eat your underarms & KILL you!  This list could go on & on & on but I'll leave it at that because I think you all understand what it is that I am talking about.

Now let me be very blunt for a second.  First of all most of these "expert" webpages are nothing more than a blogger.  That's right folks a person just like you and me with a keyboard expressing their paradigm.  I can't stress this enough but evaluate your sources!!!! Unless this said "expert" has proof of their credentials I'm not putting much credence into their claim (and also research the "experts" or "scientists" they are quoting, you may just find it's a bunch of crap).

Secondly ask yourselves what is the author's paradigm?  Yep, that's what it boils down to.  Everything in this world has someone who hates it.  People even hate things like puppies, babies, and flowers and usually it is these people who will try to push their extreme paradigm onto the rest of us.  They've taken the glasses off of their face and are desperately trying to shove them onto your nose.  Please, for the love, don't just blindly place these lenses on your face.  Use the paradigms you already have to really evaluate  if what they're pushing is something worth altering your own lenses for or if what they are saying is something that will only cause harm.  Stop putting duct tape over your own glasses and just grabbing the first pair that comes along! We need to see all the lenses and glasses before we can make a decision of which pair is right for us, we need to be doing the same when we  assess information presented to us.

I know I probably offended some people but the paradigm that I am pushing on you (and yes I am pushing my paradigm on you) is that we need to be more educated about the things that we believe that alter our lives and behaviors.  Use the brain in your head to choose a healthy paradigm that will give you a fulfilling life and not one full of anger or fear mongering.  Keep your glasses clear and lenses clean in order to see things as they really are, be careful of these "expert" articles spiraling around Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and so on that would have you alter your own reality in order to see theirs.  It is your God-given right to believe what you want but I hope for your sake (and mine) that you make educated decisions on these things.

I have a post...

I have a post that has been percolating in my mind for quite some time.  However because it may ruffle a few feathers I am allowing it to brew a little longer as I await the right moment to post it.  There are a few things I need to research and view before I take a leap into the post.  Stay tuned!

oh motivation, where art thou?

My motivation has fluttered away like a bird for the winter and I have not seen it fly back.  Why is it that when I need it most it's no where to be found?  I think maybe February has gotten me down, such a depressing month full of cold & blah!  BLAH!!  Could it be that I just am frazzled and my motivation is hiding under the layers of mental GAHHHHHHHH!!!!  Either way will someone help me find it so I can get back to editing and writing??

Why politicians are like a toddler

Maybe I'm a pessimist but I have a real negative attitude about our government, both locally and nationally, I am discontent about how the country is being run.  As I was stewing on this the other day thinking of all the wrongs that are happening and how much of our country is being flushed down the toilet for political gain I bore witness to one of my beautiful daughter's fits.  That was a clarifying moment as it dawned on me that our country is being run by overgrown toddlers!  Seriously!!  So here is a list of ways I came up with that our politicians are just like a toddler:

1.  They leave stinky messes for someone else to clean up.-  Toddlers are best known for their floaters in the tub or the strain of stink that they dust around the house as they run from mom.  Politicians do what they want, when they want, and when the deal goes rotten and stinks they expect someone else to take care of it! (usually tax payers)

2.  It's never their fault.- How did the toilet paper get unraveled?  Your toddler looks at you doe-eyed as if to say "I don't know what you're talking about, surely it was the cat!"  Politicians do a lot of the same thing, "I didn't do it, obviously it was that guy..." *points finger*.  In each situation we are not stupid enough to fall for the "it's the other guy" ruse. We know darn well who is responsible!

3.  The word NO is not in their vocabulary.-  Isn't this one obvious for both?  Tell a toddler no they'll do it anyway.  Tell a politician no they'll do it anyway which brings us to #4.

4.  When told no then called on their bad behavior we get fits that equate to nuclear meltdowns.- The toddler meltdown is epic; head thrown back, arms and legs flailing, alligator tears, and a scream that would make a banshee cower in terror.  Politician's fits aren't much different (government shut down anyone?) they like to think they're more mature than a 14 month old but they're not.

5.  If the door is closed beware!-  Toddlers have a penchant for closing a door then coloring walls, smearing carpets with unsavory things, destroying toys, etc...  A closed door is a bad door, with the exception of bedtime of course.  Politicians behind closed doors are also up to no good, usually their no good acts involve something smelly (see #1)

6.  They're money suckers.- Now don't get me wrong on this one as I will put every penny possible to make my daughter a well rounded and educated person but that being said she is very expensive.  Diapers and doctor visits are just a few of the many expenses required for a toddler. This was one of the things I didn't anticipate when I had a child, the expenses add up quickly!   Politicians on the other hand are entirely undeserving of the money they suck out of my monthly paycheck, they feel they deserve another house or a higher paycheck meanwhile my family is barely scraping by with what we have, these bloodsucking parasites will drain me of every cent because they think they deserve more than I do. They think their political position gives them a higher societal standing and that I am just a peasant undeserving of the money I work very hard to earn!

7.   They make me feel exhausted- At least with my daughter the exhaustion is a good one, I know that ultimately what I am doing for her will be its own reward.  Politicians are just a constant moronic headache that leave me feeling tired and annoyed because the time put into them is a complete waste on something that is ultimately useless to me.

And there you have it!  Maybe I'm off base here but I can really see the parallels.  It makes so much more sense to me now as to why our country is being run the way it is, when you give power to overgrown babies they're going to behave like overgrown babies.

Despite my best intentions

I'm a self confessed perfectionist.  I like things a certain way and when things don't go that way it puts a little bug in my brain and starts to make me feel crazy.  Now keep in mind not everything has to be perfect, I was spotted in public today wearing nothing but mascara and a messy pony tail , but other things make me batty.  So without further ado here are the things I've tried to do lately but despite my best intentions have fallen far short of my goals:

Despite my best intentions....

I still haven't finished editing chapter 3 of the book, it's turned into a beast that needs so much more extra love (and additions) than I could have possibly anticipated.

I'm still not finished with the book that I really do want to finish.  Netflix keeps getting in the way.

My closets are disastrous and in desperate need of a cleaning but every time I find myself with a sleeping baby I end up relaxing on the couch.

The cute Christmas stuff that I got for so cheap on the after Christmas sales are still sitting on my garage floor.  They need a home and I see them every time I park my car.

The cat that so desperately needs a grooming appointment seems to grow extra hair every single night.

The great plans for SAT/ACT vocab lessons at school are only half-baked and will probably be presented in their half-baked form.

My plans of cooking more consistently and healthier have slowly dissipated into grabbing what's easiest.

Though I feel these short comings I realize that I have achieved just as many things, if not more.  So to create another list just to prove (more to myself than you) that I have gotten something done:

Even though...

The editing hasn't gotten done I've slept more and spent more time with the hubby.

I'm not finished with the book that I want to finish I have read at least a dozen, if not more, books to my daughter in one sitting and she LOVES reading!!

The closets are disastrous I realize that messy closets mean the accumulation of memories.

The Christmas stuff isn't put away I realize that proves in a small way that my priorities are not elsewhere right now.

The cat is a hairy beast I have managed to give him some affection when he desperately craves it, and conveniently I have a furry foot warmer at night!

My plans for school aren't perfect I learn every time from my successes and failures.

My cooking has slipped some I can still keep the family fed and, generally, happy.

I may feel bad about all I haven't done I just have to keep in mind all the good I have done.  I suppose the hardest part of being a perfectionist is realizing that there is a flip side to everything so though some things make me insane I have made great strides in my adult life.  I hope that by pointing out the good & the bad I can tell the perfectionist in my head to just shut up for a minute, in the meantime I need to go wrestle a needy beast of a chapter!

Dear Future Teenage Daughter

Dear future teenage daughter,

It is hard to believe that I sit here watching my beautiful 14 month old who not so long ago was a helpless newborn.  How quickly the time goes and I realize that before I'm ready you're going to be a teenage girl.  Being a mommy who is currently working with teenage girls, and having been one once a very long time ago, there are a few things that I want to tell you before you hit those rough years full of teenage angst.  Bear with me as some of these things you won't understand right away but I hope that you'll treasure them later on when it counts.

1.  Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself- As a teenage girl others will always make you feel inadequate.  Someone will call you ugly, fat, stupid, or any other myriad of insults.  As your mother I would like nothing more than to protect you, and quite frankly find the person who said it to you and make them suffer, but I can't do that.  You are at a cross roads a time when you have to learn to stand up for yourself, tell that person to shut up, grow up, or just walk away.  Do not let their words undermine or mold who you are, ignore those people and continue on. There will always be someone in your life who will try to make you feel small but if you learn to stand up for yourself now those things won't matter later on.  

2. Be proud of who you are- You may like something others don't, you may be just a little different than your peers in one way or another.  Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you should too.  Discover who you are and what you like in these years as they will be influential in determining who you are as an adult.  Just because you may be the odd man out now doesn't mean it'll always be that way.  A funny thing happens when you're an adult that people start to see the unique qualities in you and appreciate you for those things so don't lose them just because your teenage peers disagree.

3.  Find healthy relationships- When seeking friends find those who bring out the best in you.  There will be people who pressure you to do what they want or something you don't want to do, these people are not your friends.  Anyone who is pressuring you to do something contrary to what you believe isn't your friend.  Seek out those people who will love and accept you without questioning your decisions or pressuring you into something that you know is wrong!  Find friendships that are healthy where you give as much love and support as you take, where as friends you can learn and grow together without drama.

4.  Boys- Ugh...  My knee jerk reaction is to say "avoid them like the plague" but I know that isn't feasible.  You're going to be curious about boys and relationships with boys.  As a teenager make friends with many different male peers but don't be anxious to get into a dating relationship.  Your teenage years are meant for fun and learning about the qualities you would like to have in a future commited relationship.  Most teenage romantic relationships are rushed and can lead to physical or emotional situations that cause irreparable damage, have lots of boy friends but try to avoid the exclusivity of a boyfriend.  You have your whole life to be in a relationship with a boy/man and now is the time to enjoy having fun with them as friends. Which brings me to my next point...

5. Having a boyfriend does not give you value- Too many teenage girls believe that if they don't have a boyfriend that makes them a loser or inferior to others who have a boyfriend.  Your value will never ever (and I can't emphasize that enough) be determined by anyone else!  Your value will never come from a boyfriend or popularity but rather how you feel about yourself.

6.  Remember you can always talk to your parents- We are here for you no matter what, ask us those burning questions, tell us what's going on in your life, bring us your problems, and be honest with us.  We may not always like the things you tell us but I promise we will always listen.

7.  Never forget how much we love you- I can promise that in your teenage years there will be times that you are angry with your parents because we are "mean ".  I wouldn't be a parent if there weren't times that I was mean and told you no to things you wanted but never forget that everything we do is because we love you.

8.  Your divine potential is limitless-  You have a Father in Heaven who loves you unconditionally and the potential that you have is limitless.  Never forget you're a Daughter of God!

Excuse me while I edit myself

To fully understand just how I feel as I'm writing this post please watch this video before reading: Brian Regan.

Now to my words!

I have said many things both smart and stupid.  It seems that those two things go in cycles, there are times that I am really smart then other times when I am really stupid.  I generally notice and realize when the stupid is coming out and am able to correct myself, or as Brian so brilliantly demonstrates, try to shove those words back in my mouth.  Overall though I feel that I do a pretty good job of editing and fixing myself when I commit a verbal faux pas.

The problem is that when it is verbal it's easy to forget the stupid and move on.  Let's face it most of the time my memory doesn't last long enough to remember those moments so once I've corrected them they're gone from my mind.  Lately though I've been editing my book and it is hard to see my own stupid in writing.  I look at what I wrote and can't help but think "Really??  Really??  Why would I write that?"  In order to fix those boo-boos I have to rethink and/or recreate a scene and let me just tell you it is a long process!!  I don't hate everything I've written, there is quite a bit that I really like but I guess I was hoping the editing part of writing would be easier than the writing itself.  Unfortunately I'm finding it to be just as challenging, if not more so, than the initial first draft.  As much as I wish that the first written draft had been perfect I realize that I have to keep drafting to polish up the written "baby" that has taken so long for me to finish. I have to keep going!!!

I have long heard that we are our own worst critic and I hope that statement is true.  Perhaps I need to set that saying a default header in my word document in order to encourage myself to continue trudging through the words of my novel.  In the meantime please excuse me while I edit myself in the written word.

Two simple words.

I have been struggling the past few weeks with this deep feeling of sadness?  anger? depression?  Honestly I'm not sure which word best pinpoints the way I've been feeling but it isn't a good feeling.  As I contemplated why I was feeling this way I kept coming up empty handed as to what would truly explain my emotions.  I couldn't manage to shake the darkness that just seemed to be permeating me and my thought process.  You see with all the stresses of maintaining a home, dealing with a child who has just figured out how to throw a fit, and the pressure of higher ups mandating how my job should be done I couldn't help but feel as if everything was stacked against me, that I've been split in too many different directions.

As this train of thought continued to gain speed something happened that made everything come to a screeching halt...

 I was standing at the door of my classroom last week watching students come and go down the hallway when one of my students walked up to me and she gave me the biggest hug.  Then she said two simple words "Thank You".  All the yuck that I had been feeling melted away, just those two words derailed the mental train and made me realize how powerful just saying "Thank You" can be.  How often do we take those two words for granted?  How many times have we neglected to say them just because we assume the person on the receiving end knows that the Thank You is implied?  How many service people (waiters, cashiers, customer service reps, etc...) do we forget to say Thank You to when they've provided us with assistance?  What a difference it would make if we made a conscious decision to always say thank you?

Let us vow now to remember to use those two simple words, brighten someones day or just brighten your own day as you share the appreciation and power held within those words!  Hopefully by passing on happiness and happy thanks we can make ourselves happy!