Teenage Embarassment

Two years ago as a 2nd year teacher I remember watching a young man in the back of my class start to doze while reading a book.  At first he tried to fight it, doing the the bob and weave move with his head, then eventually he fell asleep.  It wasn't long until his slumped body leaned too far over the side of the desk and WHAM!!!  The desk and student were upended on the floor.  I know I was supposed to be the rational adult in that situation but I laughed, and I laughed hysterically. Was it nice?  No.  I probably should have attempted to try and hold it in but I just couldn't help it.  I know it embarrassed the poor kid to death!

We've all seen it happen, we've all had them happen.  I think one of the best things about being an adult is having the ability to look back on those awkward teenage years and laugh at all the embarrassing things that happened to us.  Tonight as I was going through the files on my laptop I re-discovered a book that I had started a few years ago that reflects on some of my most embarrassing teenage moments.  I decided to make it a 1st person fiction piece told from the perspective of a 15-16 year old high school.  Keep in mind not all of them are autobiographical moments, some I have borrowed, and some I've embellished but I giggled a little at some of these memories.  So without further ado:

  That day should have been the first indicator that the rest of my life would be miserable but my parents didn’t give me any kind of warning about it so I stumbled on through life just thinking that bad fortune was bound to be my curse! 

                In the first grade I remember that curse really kicking into high gear.  Our school was holding a square dancing tournament (yeah that’s the type of town I lived in!) and they were pairing all the kids off with partners.  I sat in that classroom and anxiously waited to find out who my partner would be, I had said my prayers the night before and asked a higher being, any higher being, to please, please, please let me be paired with Jake Jones.  You see Jake Jones was the cutest, most amazing, tall dark and handsome first grader there ever was.  I had tried to get Jake’s attention many times before, one time I wore a dinosaur shirt to school just because I knew he liked dinosaurs, but none of my feeble attempts had worked to secure his heart so here was my chance!  I just needed the fates to give me this one wish and I knew that Jake would be mine!  Well Mrs. Baunt called my name and I stepped forward ready to hold the hand of my one true love, but instead of calling Jake’s name she called Cody Partridge.  Ewwww!!  I knew somewhere, somehow the fates were laughing at me because now I was paired with Cocoa Bird (as I liked to call him).  Needless to say we didn’t win the competition and I was forever scarred from that experience.

                Second grade and third grade proved to be just as challenging but when I hit fourth grade the darkness descended and it got worse!  I was stuck in a class with Cody Partridge (again!! Can you believe it?) and the teacher made me sit in front of Cody in class which was horrible in itself but it got much, much worse.  One day after lunch we were sitting in class doing our silent reading time, I had just picked up the newest “Mystery Sisters” book from the library and was voraciously reading the pages.  The class was dead silent when it happened…  Out of nowhere this giant bottom explosion happened!  I should have expected it to happen because lunch that day had been chili but I hadn’t expected it to come from me!!!  Oh my gosh!  How mortifying is that?  I tried to play it off looking around at the other kids pretending to sniff out (metaphorically not physically) the culprit but then Cocoa Bird had to speak up.  “I think Allison did that!!!”  It was all over at that point, my face got beet red and everyone knew the big bang had happened in my chair. 

                Fast forward a bit to eight grade, bad things had happened all the other years of school but they all seemed to be on equal footing with the infamous “fourth grade rumbly bumbly incident”.  As a”top dog” at the junior high I knew that this would be my year, I knew I would finally get the man of my dreams, Kree McCallum (Jake Jones was so out of the picture by then!).  Kree was gorgeous, he was tall, he was dark, he was handsome (I know, I know it sounds like Jake but it is a completely different kind of tall dark and handsome!)  We had our Valentine’s Day dance that year and I finally had convinced my mom to let me go.  I picked my cutest outfit, did my hair up, borrowed some of mom’s perfume, and pranced my way into that gymnasium.  There on the other side of the room was Kree.  The first girl’s choice dance I got him on the floor with me, we twirled and waltzed holding each other in an embrace of romance. After the dance was over we went and sat on the bleachers, he offered to get me some punch then walked away.  I was so caught up in our romance I didn’t notice that a sneeze was creeping up on me.  Kree came back with our punch and handed me my glass.  I took a tiny sip and then it happened!!  I sneezed. I sneezed punch all over Kree McCallum’s face but it doesn’t end there, all the contents of my nose emptied out of my nostrils and onto my lip, my punch, my dress, and even my shoes.  Our little romance was quickly killed by “the great booger blowout of eighth grade”.

                This year is my tenth grade year and as you can see I am more than a little nervous about it.  I think the fates know that my time in high school is running short so they’re going to be working overtime to ensure that my life is filled with even more embarrassment before I walk out of these hallowed halls.  Oh boy I can’t wait to see what’s in store.