Let's talk about this parenting thing...

  Maybe its because I'm a very analytical person, maybe its because I'm a type A personality, maybe its because I'm a perfectionist, or maybe its because I became a first time mommy much later in life but I've been bothered a lot lately by the incessant amount of postings and research happening on the topic of parenting. There is so much out there saying that I need to be a "super mommy".  Everywhere I turn there is this social idea that mommy should always have her stuff together, that we should be able to do anything and everything and still maintain our sanity.  I only have one question, WHY??? Based on my experiences at stores, via social media, commentary from others, etc...  here is a list of compiled "flaws" that I have in my own parenting spectrum:

1.- "Always love everything about your child every moment of the day."  Now don't get me wrong I adore my little girl.  She is my entire life, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her but there are things I don't love.  The tantrum in the grocery store? Don't love it.  The bowl of soup dumped on the floor?  Don't love it. The screaming fit in the the middle of the prayer during church?  Don't love it.  Do you see my point here?  I can't love everything she does because quite frankly there are things she does that annoy me but I will always love her as my child.  I don't have to accept everything she does (and I shouldn't).

2.-  "If you don't do.....  You're a terrible mommy."  There was a recent mommy article floating around Facebook that every time I saw it made me feel horribly guilty.  I won't go into details about it but it was just one of many articles I have seen lately that says if you don't do X that makes you a horrible parent and your child will grow up to be a terrible person.  Give me a break.  All we are doing is adding more to our already overflowing plates, every parent is going to have good days and bad days.  Some days we'll be the best parent in the world and others we will go to bed a screaming crying heap because that's life.  Lay off the guilt trips already?

3.-  "Top 10 mommy lists" you know the ones, all GREAT mommies do this, then this, then that.  You glance over the list and feel like a complete and utter failure because in the past year you've done all of those things at least once.  Hmmmmm....  Crown me with a plunger and call me craptastic mommy of the year.

4.- "Technology damages your child." Now I agree and disagree with this.  I agree that too much technology is a bad thing.  We should not be plopping our children in front of the tv for hours at a time, letting them play with the ipad/tablet forever, or give them the cellphone as a babysitter.  Now that being said I disagree because our children are the technology generation, disconnecting them completely is going to be putting them at a disadvantage.  As far as really young children, like my own, I don't see the harm in letting her watch a couple cartoons a day so that mommy can cook dinner, do laundry, talk on the phone, or *gasp* have a moment to herself.  Same for tablet, ipad, cellphone use.  I have no problem giving my screaming child the cellphone in the store just so I can checkout without a complete emotional break down.  According to some I am rotting her brain but isn't that my choice? And confession time, she watched a lot of Curious George today so I could get ahead on my Nano writing! 

5.- Everything should be "magical" for your child.  I've been looking at holiday traditions, as it is sneaking up on me far too quickly.  Why should I be guilted into thinking that because I don't throw a themed birthday party (let's get real she won't care!), have a sparkling magical Christmas countdown, or that ugly little elf on the shelf (hate that little bastard with the hatred of a thousand pms-ing teenage girls but that could be a post in and of itself. But I respect those who do it.) Isn't being a child about creating your own magic and finding the magic in the the simple things?  Isn't my job as the parent doing the best that I can with what I have, including time and energy?

6.- The best mommies give all their time to their children.  At what point did mommy become all consuming?  I am mommy all day every day.  It's a strenuous, hard, exhausting, and rewarding job and I wouldn't change it for the world but I think at some point I am allowed to sit on the couch and just veg in front of the tv.  I think there are even days where mommy should be allowed to say, "you know what let's put on Curious George so I can regain my sanity."  is that really such a crime?  It's about balance and I personally feel that as long as it isn't a daily occurrence there is no harm in it.

Mommies of the world unite, let's stop with the judgments, let's stop with the quipped comments meant to help but only harm, let's build each other up instead of working to tear each other down.  Every single one of us is different as a person so why shouldn't our parenting style be different too?  Do we want our children all growing up to be the same person/personality?  No, so why are we trying to put them and our own parenting skills into a tiny minded box of self guilt?  You be the parent you need to be, I'll be the parent I need to be and hopefully some day we can laugh at our own misgivings  but until then let us focus on the major task at hand, surviving parenthood.

Nano Nano Nano

I swore this year I wouldn't do Nano.  I went over every reason in my brain about why I shouldn't do it (work, toddler, toddler's birthday, Thanksgiving, lesson planning, grading) and on Oct. 31 I vowed that I wouldn't take part in the Nano madness this year.  Well the morning of Nov. 1 dawned and the image of all my Nano friends sitting at their computers with a hot beverage by their side and happily typing away weaseled its way into my brain.  I started to feel sad, lonely, and started missing my stories.  For several months I've put writing on the back burner so I could actively pursue querying with my current manuscript.  No matter what I told myself though I couldn't stop thinking about the story I started and never finished.  I couldn't stop thinking about where I'd left my character and imagined her sitting in a dark room screaming "Get me out of here!"  Technically to finish an already started manuscript is to "cheat" according to Nano rules but I'm a rebel and it has always pushed me to the finish line.  So yesterday I put the little miss down for a nap and picked up my laptop, 4458 words later I was feeling quite pleased with myself and logged the word count on my Nano counter.

I remember how hard Nano was last year.  I remember how painful it was to get to the end of 50,000 words in 30 days but the thing that I had forgotten was how much I love the writing.  Somehow in the frenzy of querying and editing I forgot the pure love that I have for just story telling and creating a character that I love (that I will torment in the book).  So despite my nervousness at actually being able to finish the Nano challenge I am going to continue on loving the story and the story telling.  Here's to Nano & writing insanity!

If you are unfamiliar with Nano check out this link:
nanowrimo.org

Halloween- Bah humbug!!

The leaves have fallen, the pumpkins are out, and the candy is purchased yet I still find myself feeling more than a little miffed at this stupid holiday.  As a child I have so many fond memories of trick or treating and dressing up as all kinds of fantastical things (I don't think I ever outgrew the costume phase of life).  Now as an adult though my opinion of the holiday has changed immensely.

About 8 years ago the hubby and I moved to a larger city and into a typical cookie cutter suburban neighborhood.  Having lived in a country home and only receiving 3 trick or treaters the year before I did not know what to expect our first year in this new area.  It wasn't horribly bad as the neighborhood was still being developed but as the years went on each Halloween got worse and worse.  Our 4th year here I bought a bag of 160 pieces of candy and ran out in 2 hours. Two years ago I bought the same amount and it was gone in about an hour and 15 minutes.  Now passing out candy isn't what irritates me, I love seeing the kids all dressed up and have no problems sharing with children however I can not get over the fact that so many teenagers and ADULTS were trick or treating!  I would bet at least half of the candy I had went to people over the age of 15.  One trick or treater in particular was a full grown woman, probably close to my age, no costume or anything just walking around house to house with a grocery bag.  Please note she also did not have a child with her.  My thought process was "you have got to be kidding me!!!!"  I suppose it's a poor social commentary on our society when people who are very capable of buying their own bag of candy choose instead to mooch off of others, entitled much?  This hasn't been an isolated occurrence either, each year I have at least one, if not more, of these fine specimens come to my door.  What in a person's mind makes them believe that this is okay?  Dressing up, I get that it's fun and entertaining but running around begging for free candy at someones door?  Unacceptable.  Put on your big kid underwear and realize that there is a limitation to this behavior and you crossed that line about 20+ years ago.

Now I know  a lot of you are saying "but you have a child and want people to pass out candy to her".  You're right, I have a daughter and yes she has a costume but she'll trick or treat at grandma's & an aunts house and that'll be it! At this age she'll never know the difference. As she gets older though I will teach her that the holiday is about fun not getting as much free stuff as we can or seeing how full you can fill a pillowcase with candy.  We need to learn to enjoy Halloween for what it is and learn that when you're too old you need to stop.  I will not allow my daughter to be trick or treating when she is 13+ years old, there is a limit.

This year I'm taking a stand, no more candy.  I mean it!  I am not spending money on candy just to pass it out to a bunch of adults who don't get that this is a child's holiday or if you choose to celebrate go to an adult party.  I will pass out candy to CHILDREN who I know and aren't just out to glutton themselves on free candy!!!  Call me the Scrooge of Halloween but I'm over it. Bah-humbug!

Those beautiful eyes.

"Mommy, why are her eyes so crossed?"  I cringed when I heard it.  

We had decided to take a little expedition that day to visit a fish hatchery viewing station and have a picnic. Our intention was just to have a little family time but what was going to be an easy going fun day made me feel anxious when the little girl next to us started looking at my daughter.  The little girl was probably not much older than 5 years old so the questions were innocent enough but after about the 4th time that she pointed out to her mom, and everyone around us, that my daughter looked cross eyed I was ready to bolt. I grabbed my child and got out of there as fast as possible. 

At the time I couldn't figure out why this incident bothered me so much.  I just kept thinking "this shouldn't bother me this much, should it?"  You see my husband and I have known for a long time that something about our daughter's eyes has been "off".  She had seen a pediatric ophthalmologist several times prior to this incident and been diagnosed with esotropia, a condition where the inside muscles of her eyes are stronger than the outside making her eyes turn in at varying times and making her appear cross eyed, or like she has a lazy eye. We had been told surgery was the only way to fix it and fully intend on having the procedure done. This issue was known, the appearance of our daughter's cross eye(s) is something we knew, so why would the comments of a little girl bother me so much? It finally dawned on me weeks later. 

We live in a society that is unforgiving of appearance.  If a person is too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, has crooked teeth, crossed eyes, acne, big nose, big ears, etc (the list could go on and on!) they are shunned or humiliated.  Why is that okay?  Why do people, myself included, tend to alienate those people? I realized that deep in my heart I am terrified not just of my daughter having vision problems because of this disorder but of the humiliation she would endure because she looks a little different. As much as I wish that weren't true I know that if it isn't fixed she will endure teasing at the hands of others who just don't understand.

This thought has weighed on my mind since then but I had a defining moment today that made me realize an eternal truth. As I sat in quiet meditation in one of my church meetings it dawned on me that I will never love my daughter less because of her eyes. I will never think of her as being less of a person because of a flaw that isn't her fault. When people look on her outward appearance and wonder "what is wrong with her?" they are making an unfair assumption.  If someone really knew my daughter they'd see her spunky, funny, spirited, and loving nature not a pair of crossed eyes. Though my daughter's eyes are crossed at times those eyes will always be beautiful to me because I know who is really behind them. Judging someone by their outside appearance is not only unfair but just plain wrong. We all come with flaws, and judging others because of their obvious flaws doesn't make us better. There are many people who may not be what our society deems physically attractive but are amazing on the inside. We have so much more to offer than just a pretty face or nice body. 

Ultimately what I took away from this all is that we have a Heavenly Father who feels the same way about us as I do about my daughter. No matter what he will never love us less because of our flaws.  To look upon another person and dismiss or embarrass them because something appears "off" about them makes us shallow.  I am making a vow today to change the way I see people, to no longer judge by their outward appearance but to look at their heart. 

What are you so afraid of?

My daughter went through a phase where we'd watch Disney's "Frozen" several times a day. (thank heavens that phase has mostly passed!)  One of the lines in that movie that always got stuck in my head was when Anna asked her sister "What are you so afraid of?"  I've been contemplating this line the last few days as it became glaringly apparent to me that it's something I need to consider.

 Here's the problem, I am only 4 chapters away from the end of my book.  I have rough drafted, plot charted, character analyzed, first edited, and now I'm only 4 chapters away from my second edit being finished.  I promised myself that once I finished my second edit the time would come to start querying, that was three weeks ago.  Those four chapters are still un-second-edited.  Why?  I came to the realization when I was talking with a friend that the reason those chapters are sitting unedited is because I'm afraid.  I am A.F.R.A.I.D. but why?  Like Anna said "What are you so afraid of?"

I guess what it boils down to is I'm still holding onto the lingering insecurities of youth, what if no one likes it?  What if its not good enough, thereby I'm not good enough?  I'm afraid that this brain child that I have so lovingly held onto for so long will be completely dismantled.  Can I stand to see that happen?  Can I let 4+ years of work go into the big bad world and be beaten up?  Can I handle the rejection since I will inevitably be rejected several times?  ARGH!!!!  Why can't this just be easy?

So here I sit contemplating my own insecurities.  How do I overcome it?  Man I need to work on those four chapters...

Pet Project Part 2

There is more that happens before this but here is part 2 of what I'm willing to share:

The first day of school dawned way too soon and I made sure to wake up bright and early in order to look the best I could.  I had my cutest outfit set out the night before, my new makeup sitting on my dresser, and my curling iron hot and ready to curl my mop. I brushed my teeth then  jumped in the shower and ran through the usual routine.  When I got to the body wash part instead of coming out in a smooth coil like always, nothing hit my loofa. 

“What in the world?”  I put the bottle up to my eye and tried to peek into the small hole in the top.  I couldn’t see anything so I put a little pressure on the sides of the container, still nothing.  I squeezed it a little harder but still nothing.  I shook it hoping the contents would shift to the bottom I looked into the hole again this time the contents spilled out all over my hair, my face, and my neck.  I spit trying to get it off of my mouth.  I scrubbed furiously at my hair hoping to get the goop out but only managed to be remotely successful. 

There was a loud banging on the door, “Allison!  Allison!  Stop primping some of us need to get in there.”

“I’m almost done.”  I yelled.

“Not almost, you are done!  Get out now!”  I recognized it as Luke’s voice.

Grrrr….  Boys just don’t get it.  I took one last swoop at my hair hoping to get the last of the body wash out.  I wrapped my hair in a towel and threw on my bathrobe, I threw the door open angrily glaring at my brother on the other side.  “Some people need to learn patience.” I growled.

“Some people need to learn that no matter how much they shower they’ll still never get rid of that stench!” he stuck his tongue out at me.  “Besides, I’m the senior this year, I think I am the one who needs to look the best today.”  And with that he shut the door behind him. 

I huffed off to my room sitting at my makeshift makeup table and started the morning paint job; lotion, foundation, powder, blush, primer, eyeshadow, liner, mascara, and the most important step last lipgloss!!  I puckered up admiring the gorgeous shade of pink that I had managed to snag the previous day at the mall, it had been the last one on the shelf so I felt it had been a sign of my luck.  That feeling didn’t last long though when I pulled the towel off my head. 

“Oh my gosh!!!”  my hair sat in oily wisps on my shoulders, I ran my fingers through it hoping that maybe, just maybe, it was an optical illusion.  It wasn’t.  Putting my fingers in it only made it abundantly clear that the body wash had made my fresh clean hair an oily mess.  I grabbed the blow dryer and ran it over my head for a solid ten minutes all the while praying that it would only look a little greasy but to no avail.  The hair was bone dry and I looked like I had stuck my head into a fry vat at the local fast food joint. “You have got to be kidding me!” I looked up to the fates, “come on this is supposed to be my year!  Can I catch a break for just one day?”

Just as I was expressing my fury to the higher powers Luke walked by my open door wrapped in his own bathrobe. “Whoa!  What do you call that look, grease ball?” he laughed walking away. 

I cursed under my breath.   This couldn’t be happening again, I should have never tempted the fates this way.  I grabbed the curling iron wrapping a strand of hair around it but when I pulled it out nothing happened, the hair just fell limp and soggy at my shoulders, I cursed under my breath as I wrapped the iron around my hair again.  Surely if I kept the iron in there longer it would curl, I held it in twice as long as I normally would then started to smell something, a burning smell.  “Oh no!” I pulled the iron from my hair but it was too late, the ends of the hair were completely fried.  “Gawwwww!!!” I yowled.

“What’s the matter?” my mother rushed to the door poking her head in, “where’s the fire?” (a standard catch phrase for a mother with nine children.)

“My hair, the fire’s in my hair!” I held the strand out for her to see.  She walked over and held the burned hair in her hand. 

“Only one thing to do” she reached into my makeup table drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors.

“No! No!  There has to be another way.”  I tried to back away from her.

“There isn’t.” and with that she snipped the end off leaving me with a butchered look. 

“My life is ruined.” I exhaled.

The Pet Project

I've been furiously doing a first edit on my fantasy novel and tonight I realized that I needed a little break from death and gloom (yes there is quite a bit of that in this particular novel) so I went back to a pet project that I had started many years ago.  It's a semi-autobiographical novel from the perspective of a 16 year old.  Here's just a snippet:

That day should have been the first indicator that the rest of my life would be miserable but my parents didn’t give me any kind of warning about it so I stumbled on through life just thinking that bad fortune was bound to be my curse! 

                In the first grade I remember that curse really kicking into high gear.  Our school was holding a square dancing tournament (yeah that’s the type of town I lived in!) and they were pairing all the kids off with partners.  I sat in that classroom and anxiously waited to find out who my partner would be, I had said my prayers the night before and asked a higher being, any higher being, to please, please, please let me be paired with Jake Jones.  You see Jake Jones was the cutest, most amazing, tall dark and handsome first grader there ever was.  I had tried to get Jake’s attention many times before, one time I wore a dinosaur shirt to school just because I knew he liked dinosaurs, but none of my feeble attempts had worked to secure his heart so here was my chance!  I just needed the fates to give me this one wish and I knew that Jake would be mine!  Well Mrs. Baunt called my name and I stepped forward ready to hold the hand of my one true love, but instead of calling Jake’s name she called Cody Partridge.  Ewwww!!  I knew somewhere, somehow the fates were laughing at me because now I was paired with Cocoa Bird (as I liked to call him).  Needless to say we didn’t win the competition and I was forever scarred from that experience.

                Second grade and third grade proved to be just as challenging but when I hit fourth grade the darkness descended and it got worse!  I was stuck in a class with Cody Partridge (again!! Can you believe it?) and the teacher made me sit in front of Cody in class which was horrible in itself but it got much, much worse.  One day after lunch we were sitting in class doing our silent reading time, I had just picked up the newest “Mystery Sisters” book from the library and was voraciously reading the pages.  The class was dead silent when it happened…  Out of nowhere this giant bottom explosion happened!  I should have expected it to happen because lunch that day had been chili but I hadn’t expected it to come from me!!!  Oh my gosh!  How mortifying is that?  I tried to play it off looking around at the other kids pretending to sniff out (metaphorically not physically) the culprit but then Cocoa Bird had to speak up.  “I think Allison did that!!!”  It was all over at that point, my face got beet red and everyone knew the big bang had happened in my chair. 

                Fast forward a bit to eight grade, bad things had happened all the other years of school but they all seemed to be on equal footing with the infamous “fourth grade rumbly bumbly incident”.  As a”top dog” at the junior high I knew that this would be my year, I knew I would finally get the man of my dreams, Kree McCallum (Jake Jones was so out of the picture by then!).  Kree was gorgeous, he was tall, he was dark, he was handsome (I know, I know it sounds like Jake but it is a completely different kind of tall dark and handsome!)  We had our Valentine’s Day dance that year and I finally had convinced my mom to let me go.  I picked my cutest outfit, did my hair up, borrowed some of mom’s perfume, and pranced my way into that gymnasium.  There on the other side of the room was Kree.  The first girl’s choice dance I got him on the floor with me, we twirled and waltzed holding each other in an embrace of romance. After the dance was over we went and sat on the bleachers, he offered to get me some punch then walked away.  I was so caught up in our romance I didn’t notice that a sneeze was creeping up on me.  Kree came back with our punch and handed me my glass.  I took a tiny sip and then it happened!!  I sneezed. I sneezed punch all over Kree McCallum’s face but it doesn’t end there, all the contents of my nose emptied out of my nostrils and onto my lip, my punch, my dress, and even my shoes.  Our little romance was quickly killed by “the great booger blowout of eighth grade”.

                This year is my tenth grade year and as you can see I am more than a little nervous about it.  I think the fates know that my time in high school is running short so they’re going to be working overtime to ensure that my life is filled with even more embarrassment before I walk out of these hallowed halls.  Oh boy I can’t wait to see what’s in store.