The Pet Project

I've been furiously doing a first edit on my fantasy novel and tonight I realized that I needed a little break from death and gloom (yes there is quite a bit of that in this particular novel) so I went back to a pet project that I had started many years ago.  It's a semi-autobiographical novel from the perspective of a 16 year old.  Here's just a snippet:

That day should have been the first indicator that the rest of my life would be miserable but my parents didn’t give me any kind of warning about it so I stumbled on through life just thinking that bad fortune was bound to be my curse! 

                In the first grade I remember that curse really kicking into high gear.  Our school was holding a square dancing tournament (yeah that’s the type of town I lived in!) and they were pairing all the kids off with partners.  I sat in that classroom and anxiously waited to find out who my partner would be, I had said my prayers the night before and asked a higher being, any higher being, to please, please, please let me be paired with Jake Jones.  You see Jake Jones was the cutest, most amazing, tall dark and handsome first grader there ever was.  I had tried to get Jake’s attention many times before, one time I wore a dinosaur shirt to school just because I knew he liked dinosaurs, but none of my feeble attempts had worked to secure his heart so here was my chance!  I just needed the fates to give me this one wish and I knew that Jake would be mine!  Well Mrs. Baunt called my name and I stepped forward ready to hold the hand of my one true love, but instead of calling Jake’s name she called Cody Partridge.  Ewwww!!  I knew somewhere, somehow the fates were laughing at me because now I was paired with Cocoa Bird (as I liked to call him).  Needless to say we didn’t win the competition and I was forever scarred from that experience.

                Second grade and third grade proved to be just as challenging but when I hit fourth grade the darkness descended and it got worse!  I was stuck in a class with Cody Partridge (again!! Can you believe it?) and the teacher made me sit in front of Cody in class which was horrible in itself but it got much, much worse.  One day after lunch we were sitting in class doing our silent reading time, I had just picked up the newest “Mystery Sisters” book from the library and was voraciously reading the pages.  The class was dead silent when it happened…  Out of nowhere this giant bottom explosion happened!  I should have expected it to happen because lunch that day had been chili but I hadn’t expected it to come from me!!!  Oh my gosh!  How mortifying is that?  I tried to play it off looking around at the other kids pretending to sniff out (metaphorically not physically) the culprit but then Cocoa Bird had to speak up.  “I think Allison did that!!!”  It was all over at that point, my face got beet red and everyone knew the big bang had happened in my chair. 

                Fast forward a bit to eight grade, bad things had happened all the other years of school but they all seemed to be on equal footing with the infamous “fourth grade rumbly bumbly incident”.  As a”top dog” at the junior high I knew that this would be my year, I knew I would finally get the man of my dreams, Kree McCallum (Jake Jones was so out of the picture by then!).  Kree was gorgeous, he was tall, he was dark, he was handsome (I know, I know it sounds like Jake but it is a completely different kind of tall dark and handsome!)  We had our Valentine’s Day dance that year and I finally had convinced my mom to let me go.  I picked my cutest outfit, did my hair up, borrowed some of mom’s perfume, and pranced my way into that gymnasium.  There on the other side of the room was Kree.  The first girl’s choice dance I got him on the floor with me, we twirled and waltzed holding each other in an embrace of romance. After the dance was over we went and sat on the bleachers, he offered to get me some punch then walked away.  I was so caught up in our romance I didn’t notice that a sneeze was creeping up on me.  Kree came back with our punch and handed me my glass.  I took a tiny sip and then it happened!!  I sneezed. I sneezed punch all over Kree McCallum’s face but it doesn’t end there, all the contents of my nose emptied out of my nostrils and onto my lip, my punch, my dress, and even my shoes.  Our little romance was quickly killed by “the great booger blowout of eighth grade”.

                This year is my tenth grade year and as you can see I am more than a little nervous about it.  I think the fates know that my time in high school is running short so they’re going to be working overtime to ensure that my life is filled with even more embarrassment before I walk out of these hallowed halls.  Oh boy I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

An Open Letter to the Fashion Industry

Dear Fashion Industry/Designers:

I have a bone to pick with you and I know I don't feel alone on this issue.

It is once again summer time the time for cooler clothing and bathing suits.  In my younger years this meant sporting shorts, cute t-shirts, and fun one piece bathing suits to summer outings and family reunions; it was a time of fewer cares and a much younger (i.e. slimmer) body.  Now I am in my 30's and summer shopping has become a complete nightmare and honestly I blame you!!  I no longer possess the sleek slim body of youth, instead I have a body that has delivered a baby, been through various life changes, and gained a few pounds over the past decade.  It's an adjustment but I can live with the body that I have, what I can't live with however is how you, the fashion industry, hasn't changed.  You refuse to design anything for the modern 30 something woman who doesn't wish to appear as a teen, reveal too much, or look like a grandma.

My own personal goal in dressing is to achieve comfort and modesty all while remaining fashionable.  Each summer I set out looking for something to wear that will keep me comfortable in 100 degree weather and each year I come away disgusted.  You have it in your deluded brains that every woman wishes to wear shorts that almost expose butt cheeks and tops that cover next to nothing.  If I find shorts that are long enough they look like something pulled from the closet of a 70 year old woman and give me the dreaded "mom butt" look and shirts with sleeves are either sheer (creating the need for a shirt underneath defeating the purpose of staying cool) or are once again frumpy looking. Summer clothing options seem to fall into either one of two categories "let me show you my lady parts" or "Little House on the Prairie meets capris". Can we please stop this madness?

Understand that  my desire is to appear fashionable but not show everyone the cellulite on my thighs, the extra baby weight that still lingers around my middle, or the size and brand of my underwear. Please realize that not all of your consumers want to dress in a way that exposes us.  Believe it or not there is a large number of us that would like to dress modestly, fashionably, and stay cool without exposing all of our assets.  We want to keep our bodies to ourselves, we want to appear cute and fashionable without compromising the modesty standards that we uphold, but most of all we want to have to stop pulling our hair out because summer shopping is impossible!

So dear fashion industry/designers create something that a more modest woman can wear in the summer and still feel cute, cool, and comfortable in?

Sincerely,
A fed up consumer

P.S. Swimsuits fall into this category too!!

Hey Phone Face, look up!

Today was the last day of school (hooray!) and as part of our send off the teachers stood in the front foyer ushering children out and eagerly awaiting the moment the last teenager stepped out the door.  As we stood shooing the little fiends out,one of the teachers offhandedly said "Look up at the sun and not at your phone, it's a beautiful day outside!"  While we all laughed at the comment it brought up a thought that I have been having for the past several months;can this generation function without a phone glued to their face?

Our kids are growing up in a world with constant information and communication at their fingertips but they have started putting such urgency and priority on the buzzing curse in their pocket that they have forgotten how to just be human.  Really.  The one tool that they could be using to learn and research with has created kids with a social handicap, kids who are uncomfortable having face-to-face interactions, kids who mentally suffer (and can be verbally abusive) when their precious device is taken away, kids who have no empathy because they can't see the effect their words are having on others, and kids who are unwilling to absorb those things that are important because the glowing face of their phone God beckons.  It is a thoroughly frustrating phenomenon for me to witness.  I can't tell you how many times a kid has been texting, snapchatting, playing a game, etc...  and missed important bits of instruction or experiences.  Everytime I've seen this happen I just want to grab them and shake them screaming "Look away from the damn screen!!  Life is out here and not in there!!!"

 It really makes me concerned that these same people will be joining the workforce in a few short years and they will lack the ability to communicate with co-workers and  lack basic work skills, and ethics, because they couldn't see that the priorities and successes that would help them in life didn't exist in a 4 inch screen but rather in the experiences that they allowed to pass them by.  How do we remedy this problem?  Honestly,I wish I knew.  This a plague that can't be fought with vaccines or antibiotics and it is a wide spread problem. Do you think we can cure the phone face generation?  I personally don't have a positive outlook on this...