You're abandoning us!!!

It is that inevitable time of year when the stores stock pencils & binders, the yellow bus can be seen running down the street, and as a teacher I feel the return of the school year breathing down my neck.  I have to go back to school for teacher meetings next week and I'm not necessarily ready for it but regardless it's coming!

A little background before I continue on with this post, I have been teaching for 3 years in the local high school.  I love working with teenagers, hard to believe I know, but it is true!  There is something about teaching literature & writing and having the light go on for the students that makes me really enjoy my chosen profession.  I have always had a special love for each of my students, I have often joked that I have 130 "kids" to take care of on a daily basis.  At the end of the 2012 school year I found out I was pregnant (our first) and knew that the beginning of the 2012 school year I'd end up taking maternity leave to have and care for my new baby.  What I didn't know as a first time parent was how deep the love of a parent goes for their child.  I had labored under the idea that once baby was born it would be no big deal to leave her with a daycare and continue working full time.  I though that surely I could balance both being a mom & working full time.  The day my daughter was born something happened to my thinking, the delusion of a "working" balance popped very quickly.  That day I held in my arms the most precious thing I could ever have been given and as I looked into those beautiful blue eyes I knew nothing could ever be the same.  9 weeks later I had to trudge back to work full time.  The first day I dropped my almost newborn off with the sitter I drove all the way to school sobbing knowing that this wasn't what I had envisioned for myself.  I didn't know how attached I was to that beautiful little person until that moment.  I got back in the classroom and although I did revive my love of the students that love couldn't be compared to what I had for my baby girl.  I knew in my heart that teaching full time would mean missing out on a lot of my daughter's life.  Financially we couldn't afford for me to quit completely but rarely does the opportunity of part time teaching present itself.  I accepted that fact and with a heavy heart accepted that I'd be back at it full time in September of 2013.

At the end of May an opportunity presented itself, two teachers at the school had worked out a deal where they shared one teaching job.  These two teachers would alternate days teaching and only have to be available part time at the school.  One of the members of that teaching team was quitting and they needed someone to fill in for her part time position.  I jumped at the chance, I knew this was my opportunity to both continue teaching & spend quality time with my daughter.  I could help support my family & household but would be able to continue fostering my relationship with my child. So I resigned to part time and plan to work only every other day during this upcoming school year.

Yesterday and today I went to the school to get our classroom straightened up & worksheets run off when I ran into one of my students from last year.  This student was part of my "advisory group" which means that I normally would have had him all 4 years of his high school career; because I accepted this new part time position my advisory class was shifted to a different teacher.  The very first thing this student said to me was "But Mrs. Buckley!!!  You're abandoning us!!!"  I explained to him my reasons for doing what I did and his response was "Why would you abandon 31 of your kids for just 1 kid."  I just explained my reasons again and left the conversation at that.

I have been thinking about this conversation for a few hours and I realize now why I am "abandoning" those 31+ kids.  Being financially able to have nice homes, cars, computers, tvs, etc...  is great but is it more important than my child?  Is having "things" more essential than monitoring the education and upraising of my own child?  The ultimate answer is no.  Just within the past 3 months she has changed and grown so quickly that I realize my time to enjoy her toddler phase is going to be super short!  Just this morning she was sitting on the floor playing, I stuck my head around the corner of the couch to play peek-a-boo and the smile that she had made me melt.  She squealed with delight then tackled me so she could kiss me.  Why would I want to willingly give up those moments with her just so I can teach and make money?  I don't want to.  I don't want that smile being shared with a daycare provider, I don't want the person playing peek-a-boo to be anyone but me.  Is that selfish?  Absolutely, but she's MY child to enjoy.  I want her to grow up knowing I did everything I could to share those precious moments with her.  I know that financially we'll be pretty strapped for the next few years but money will never win over my child.  So even though I may have abandoned 31 of my kids it was the right choice to make in order to preserve the relationship I have with my biological child.  Students I love you but my daughter will trump you everyday of the week.

My own literary journey

A friend remind me that I hadn't updated the blog in a while, this makes me feel encouraged to continue on with the blogging process! My writing has lulled some as I'm contemplating how best to reveal important plot points so instead of writing about writing how about I write about reading?

I have another friend who, on her own blog, wrote about the book that got her started on her lifelong reading/writing  path.  She asked the question on her blog, "Which book got you hooked?"  I honestly didn't have an answer.  I couldn't specifically pin down one piece of literature that got me started on my literary journey.  Odd isn't it?  Most readers could tell you exactly where they were, what book it was, and which character got them hooked.  I've thought about my own books and realized my own reading/writing path didn't begin until a little later than most.  Sure I liked books as a kid, the usual "Velveteen Rabbit" and what have you but none of those books sparked my imagination.  As I grew older (10-12 ish) I still wasn't that into reading or writing.  As a matter of fact at that point in my life I was convinced I would grow up to be a veterinarian.  When I hit about 13-14 I discovered that my older brother had a collection of Star Wars books.  I knew I liked Star Wars, I knew books weren't bad so I started reading them.  Again, I really wasn't "hooked" per say just enjoyed the leisure of reading time.

I continued reading all the Star Wars books I could find.  At some point when I was about 15 I realized that I had suddenly become a book addict.  I was entirely biased about only reading Star Wars books at that age and perhaps one of my favorites was this gem:

"The Crystal Star" by Vonda M. McIntyre.  I can not tell you what the book is about or what it was that particularly caught my attention but I remember reading it and thinking "Wow, this is AMAZING!!" I honestly have not re-read this book since then but I am kind of afraid of re-reading and finding that it's horrible so for now I will just leave it unread and uphold the good memory.

  I continued plowing through Star Wars book after Star Wars book.  Finally my Senior year of high school my English teacher handed me a book and told me, "This is a great book, I really think you'll enjoy it."

 I'm ashamed to admit this book sat on my shelf for a while because of my Star Wars obsession but when I did end up reading it about 6 months later my entire paradigm about Science Fiction changed.  My mind was blown at all the facets and depth of this book, the moral questions it brings up, and that ending!  My literature circle was suddenly broadened.

As I went off to college I decided that maybe, just maybe, this literature/writing thing could be a lot of fun.  My senior English teacher was definitely a huge influence on me and encouraged me to go down that road so I figured why not?

My Sophomore year of college I took a YA Literature class and one of our assignments was to pick a YA book and do a PowerPoint presentation for the class.  I am again ashamed and embarrassed to admit that it took me that long to pick up such an earth shattering piece of literature.

Tolkien became my new idol!  Such a beautifully crafted story and who wouldn't love Bilbo?  It was then I realized that Science Fiction & Fantasy were essentially two branches of the same tree for me!  Both reflected my own  need to escape reality and our world.  I didn't hate fiction based in our world but I definitely preferred adventuring on other planets and other worlds.  

With the release of the movies and spring boarding off of my love for "The Hobbit" I next picked up this:

True love once again!  I think I read all three of these books at least 3-4 times before the release of the 2nd movie.  Needless to say of all the books I have ever read this one made the biggest impact on me and truly ignited my love/obsession with the fantasy genre.

Later after I got married my husband suggested these books to me:

This opened the door of Dungeons & Dragons lore for me.  It gave me a whole new appreciation for world creation and the different races of fantasy including dwarves, elves, halflings, dragons, orcs, and so on.  While Tolkien had set the foundation of these races Dungeons & Dragons delved into the details bringing new life to these races.

Of all the things I gained from the Dragons of Autumn Twilight trilogy though was introducing me to the most influential fantasy character ever:

Raistlin Majere, the black wizard.  If you continue on reading his story you find out how evil, good, conflicted, single minded, stubborn, loving, emotional, tormented, etc.. that he is!  I have never come across another fantasy character as deep as he was to me, there was so much tied up in this character that absolutely fascinated me!  Even now I find that when I write a character I wonder how much Raistlin is in them, when I read other fantasy wizards I can't help but think, "They're not as cool as Raistlin".

There have been several books I have read since then, almost all fall within the sci-fi/fantasy genre, but I would have to say those pieces of literature have brought me to where I am today.  I still find that when a student comes to me and asks for book recommendations I end up suggesting one of these books.

So although I can't say that there was one book in particular that got me "hooked" there is a trail of books that have led me in the direction of my writing genres.  

A little more?

It's been a busy week with family coming to visit & gearing up again for school to start.  I'm really not anxious AT ALL for school to start but alas the lesson planning has been dominant on my brain right now so writing has taken a small detour.  I'm back at it again tonight and I wanted to throw a little something out there to encourage you to keep reading & me to keep writing. Here is a little more from the same book, I don't expect you'll understand what happens but it might get my creative juices flowing again:

The night was deep and unfolded before Asha as she trudged a solitary stone path towards the entrance to a cave.  Fear curled its fingers around her, her lungs screaming for air as she advanced closer to the cave.  She realized she was holding her breath and exhaled slowly. The uncertainty that crept into her mind as she began this walk was turning quickly to panic as the entrance began to loom ever closer.  Then she saw a solitary figure emerge from the mouth of the cave.  A woman dressed entirely in black with long black hair plaited and piled on top of her head.  Her face showed signs of age though her eyes were sparkling of youth and vigor.  Her face was pale as moonlight against her black clothes and hair, her lips a crimson color reminiscent of blood.  She held up a hand and gestured to Asha to move closer.  Asha hesitated and stopped.  The woman gestured again this time speaking, “Come closer child, I can’t see you.  Where are you?”

A fear as black as the woman’s hair crept into Asha’s mind.  The black fear gripped tighter around her making her vision blurry.  She turned and ran from the cave gasping for breath as she ran but no matter how fast or how far she went every time she looked back the cave and the woman were in the same place.  She collapsed on the stones feeling her cheek hit a jagged edge and split open.  She held her hands to her face feeling the warm blood trickle through her fingers.  She blinked and was lost in an endless black.

She awoke with a start sitting upright in her bed surprised to see the sun shining through her window.  She had slept all night.  The potion had done its work.  Still the fear that clung to her other dreams were sticking to her in this dream.  She shivered and leaned forward resting her head on her knees and closing her eyes.  She kept reminding herself over and over “It was only a dream, just a dream”.  Then she felt something warm on her lap and opened her eyes.  On the sheets a small pool of blood was forming.  She put her hand to her cheek and pulled it away.  Blood stained the tips of her fingers.